Mary's Never Giving Up

Feelin' Fabulous in February!

2012-02-08T23:48:00.002-06:00

Figured I better update for the month. I'm still stuck in the 200s.. BUT I notice the inches are coming off! That is something!! And the scale is beginning to move again. Perseverence pays off. I'm using some really fantastic nutritional supplements and I think that is making a huge difference for me too! Not too much to write about this month.... Having fun with my business, buying smaller clothes.. OH YES!!! I went to buy a pair of jeans recently... grabbed the standard 2X like I always do... and usually they are snug. But had to go back and get a 1X instead!!! THAT made me feel good!!! Totally!! I have 3.5 inches off my waist, 3 inches off my chest, 2 inches off my thigh... I don't care what the scale says at this point.. I am DOING IT!!! So I say, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up!!!
Believe in yourself. It's not impossible. Have a fabulous February!!! (^_^)

Still Moving Forward... 22 lbs down

2012-01-16T19:06:00.007-06:00

Okay. I just typed a whole message and had it disappear... so I'm gonna make this quick and try again. Still fighting forward with my New Year GOAL of getting under 200........... There are definitely days that are harder than others, and there are also days when I give in to temptation, if I'm gonna be honest. But I keep pushing forward... I am NOT gonna give up. EVER. Because I don't want to be that fat lady anymore!!! I want to be healthy! Hopefully, my back will get better... but even if it doesn't, I will feel better in general. I already do! :)
So.... here are two pictures. One is from October, when I went on the cruise. I did not feel good in my skin AT ALL.... I was mortified when I looked at pictures.. I just felt fat. Honestly. The other is a picture of today. I think I'm getting there... slowly but surely... my chins are starting to go away. I like that. :)
It is taking time, but that's okay. It's better than doing nothing, and getting fatter. yeah...

There are days that are harder than others. There are days, if I'm honest, that I give in to temptation... But I will never stop trying. never. and just maybe, that's what it's gonna take.
Have a great week!!! :)

Believing......

2011-11-07T10:45:00.003-06:00

So I went on the Richard Simmons 30th Cruise to Lose, and it was fabulous!!! I sooo needed that... the motivation and love and energy... I needed to believe in myself again. And you know what? I really think I'm starting to again!
When I left on the cruise, I had weighed in at 229. I have to admit, when I started seeing the pictures the ships photographer took, I was devastated. The first Monday formal picture with Richard broke my heart. I know what I see in the mirror, but it wasn't even what I saw in that picture. I guess it really hit me how much weight I've really gained. I was going to throw the picture away, and my new dear friend, Mary Faith, wouldn't let me. I'm glad of that. I did go back and buy it. It will be my starting reference. If I find myself faltering, I will take out that picture and look at it!!
I worked very hard on the cruise. Went to every seminar and put my all into every exercise class, and it paid off! I came home 10 pounds lighter. That made me feel good.
But today.......... a week later.... I stepped on the scale and saw another 5 pound loss!!!! Wow!!! Guess what... when you eat healthy, and exercise, you lose weight!!! WHAT A CONCEPT!!! ;-)
I'm thanking God for the opportunity to go on that cruise. It was so nice to see Richard again, and it was nice to see old friends and meet new ones! But it is VERY nice to actually feel this hopeful again!! To BELIEVE in myself again!!!
Life is good. I feel so blessed!!!
Well, that's my update. See ya next time! :)

Summer's Gone

2011-10-11T21:35:00.004-05:00

Well. Only this and two more months to the year, and I am fatter than ever. It's not a fun place. But I am beginning to admit some things to myself. Like how I got here.
No more blaming it on anything else. It was me. It was my laziness and my gluttony.
So now... once again... I am starting over.
I came accross a website that intrigued me. It is called www.settingthecaptivesfree.com It deals with addictions and hangups. (who, me?) And it is a website full of these Biblical studies for how to be free of whatever, and how to get your focus off of yourself, and onto God, who created you.
Maybe, just maybe, when we are feeling like we crave food (or, fill in the blank) what we are really craving is more of God.
So I have begun this study. It's a 60 day study called The Lord's Table. I'm praying that it will be effective to help me change and I can lose weight once and for all, finally, not for myself or to make anyone proud of me, but for the Glory of God who helps me do all things. With God's help.... because this is not what he meant for His temple (my body).
In ten days I will leave for LA and a cruise with Richard S and friends... I'm looking forward to that time to just concentrate on eating well, exercising, and the beginning of making good habits... Lord, help me make it so, because I can do nothing without you...
Okay.. That's about all for now....
Till next time...

August Already

2011-08-01T22:43:00.002-05:00

Where has the summer gone? and my weight is not changing. I've come to the conclusion that I have to #1. Set goals and #2. Make a plan!! If what you're doing isn't working, then you need to try something else! Summer is a breath away from gone! I need to get busy. I know what I want, I have the tools I need to get the job done. I need to just cowboy up and DO IT!! I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. He gives me the strength I need to withstand temptation... the strength I need to go the distance. But I think He requires something of me as well. All the people Jesus healed, he required something of them. Stand up and walk. Go wash in the river. Stretch out your hand. I need to be willing to do the things it takes to lose this weight, and He will give me strength to do them.
So what am I waiting for!! My plan for the rest of the week is to exercise. Every day. No matter what. It's a place to start.
And this is my place to be accountable. I will post every day for the next six days and report what I have done for my health that day.
Even if I'm just being accountable to myself here, that's okay. I will do it, because I must do SOMEthing different.
Have a wonderful night cyberland.... See ya tomorrow!

Life Goes On...

2011-07-20T15:29:00.003-05:00

Well, I got over being sick, and so much more has happened....
We have been mourning the passing of my nephew, Alan. Gone way too soon. He's only a year older than my daughter. Sometimes life just doesn't make much sense. But we must go on.
My sister had a cancer scare. Then, this week, her son had minor brain surgery! Life is never boring in this family!!

My weightloss has suffered... I need to learn how to deal with things in a better way then heading for the kitchen!!! Not just heading for the kitchen, but heading for the salty, the sweet, the forbidden foods....

I will not give up on this. I won't! I WILL lose this weight if it's the last thing I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost half the year gone....

2011-06-30T16:03:00.003-05:00

Here we are at the end of June already! Lots of things have happened.. I got very sick for awhile. Started out as sinus infection, progressed into bronchitis, then with all the coughing, I ended up with (at last diagnosis) costochondritis. An inflammation in the cartilege in the ribs. VERY very painful. I pretty much lived on vicodin for two weeks. Got really really sick of being sick.
One upside of being so sick, I had NO sense of smell and not much taste. So food was totally not appealing to me at all. I lost weight.
So there ya go... if you could eliminate the sense of smell and taste, then food would not be pleasurable anymore, and losing weigh would be a snap! :)
Nah................ I really like food. ;-)
I'm happy to be still losing weight tho, even though I am feeling much much better!
Onward and forward I go...................
God bless and have a happy 4th!!!
(^_^)

M

Feeling Stronger.....

2011-04-12T14:24:00.002-05:00

I remain tentatively hopeful. I can do this!! Can I? Yes, I think I can. If I will just keep moving forward, and quit letting myself be sidetracked by.... food. People wanting to eat out in places where I should'nt go eat right now. I do not make good choices. I really have to change the things I'm doing. I can't keep doing the same things and expect to get different (or good) results!!!!
They call that insanity!!
But I am down 5.5 pounds so far. That's something anyway. That's better than the direction I was going.....
Got my hair permed. I needed a change. :) Still I look in the mirror and don't like what I see... I like my hair, alright... but the rest of me? well, let's just say I still turn away from the mirror as quickly as possible.
Things will have to change. more.
and that's about all I have to say for now.

wow.....

2011-04-05T01:12:00.002-05:00

How can I crash and burn so quickly? I am amazed at how quickly I failed this time... It's only April....
My "Never Give Up" philosophy almost failed me!! Came really really really close.
But I am still here. I reached a new all-time high for my weight. Not something I'm proud to admit. So once again, starting over. One more time.
I've managed to drop a few pounds in the last two weeks.... now if I can just keep up the momentum. If I can just believe in myself the way I once did...
God, I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could go back to a time when things were under control; when I was at a good weight and I actually had muscle tone! Ha! I remember my daughter telling me once, "Wow Mom! You've almost got washboard abs!" So long ago... Now my grandaughter tells me what she'd remember about me if I died... that I was nice, and I was "big"...
I can no longer even IMAGINE being at a healthy weight anymore. It's like the way the memory of having a baby slips away from you...... Oh yes, we remember there was pain! We remember even, there was a LOT of pain. But we don't really remember what it felt like..... it's like the edges have been smoothed over with time.
Does that make sense? I remember being at a healthy weight... I remember being in shape... but I no longer remember what it felt like.
Maybe I'm just being silly..... I don't' know anymore.
I only know I'm tired of being fat. And I'm tired of living in pain every day.
I don't know if I can do anything to help with the pain part. But I should be able to deal with the fat. I should be able to control what I put in my mouth, for cryin' out loud. So just for today... I'M NOT GIVING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not yet.

Happy New Year!!!

2011-01-11T00:40:00.005-06:00

Here we are in the year of our Lord, 2011... my how time flies!!

New year, new me. I am ready for change on so many levels...

I have a few people in my life who have disrespected me, and made me feel "less than". But no more! I'm ready for that to change. I am a wonderful person, and I deserve better than that. From everyone, no matter who they are.
It's so easy to eat over emotions when someone makes you feel bad. I dont' want to go there anymore. I dont' want to be that person anymore...

I'm ready for new success too! I've had some success with my weightloss the last few months, but I don't want to camp there. I want to keep moving forward!! The year started out pretty good so far, and boy howdy, I sure want to keep it going in that direction!!

It is so easy to feel like giving up when you're in pain. This whole ordeal with my back and the chronic pain has really put a different spin on things. The specialist didn't have much good news for me. Basically to keep doing what I'm doing. Surgery is not an option at this time. But I know it doesn't have to hold me back. It is still possible to lose the extra weight, and I cannot give up!!
I don't want to be the person who lays down and gives up. No matter what is happening in my life.

So I am hereby declaring 2011 to be THE year!! MY year for CHANGE!

My year. I'm ready.

Peace.

Hoping for answers....

2010-12-22T12:12:00.002-06:00

Well, here I am sitting at the Twin City Spine Center in Minneapolis. I am hoping to get some answers to my back problems., Hoping for solutions!! We have done a lot of masking the pain, but nothing about a permanent solution. and who knows...maybe there is none. But I want to find that out. Hopefully what I'll find here is a solution... and hope.
Lost 3 of the pounds I gained... I don't know how, but I'll take it! Now I really need to sit down and make a plan for coninued weightloss. I know it could only help the back issues, not to mention I would feel better about myself and have more energy. It would be a win-win deal...
Anyway, in a few days it will be Christmas. This is not where I wanted to be after a year.. In a few more days, it will be a New Year. Maybe this year I will actually make a couple resolutions... It's time for change.
Merry Christmas to whoever you are, dear reader, and I wish you a wonderfilled New Year also! Blessings to you.............

Crash & Burn............ ?

2010-12-14T16:22:00.004-06:00

oh dear.... said Pooh... I'm stuck.
I should have not stopped journaling... I should have not stopped following my plan... I should have not said "never"... ha. famous last words.

Well, here I am a month and a half later, and I have stumbled, and stumbled badly. I regained 9 of the pounds I had lost. I am back up to 209. So much has happened since I last blogged in...

Dr monitored diet went by the wayside, due to weather (couldn't drive in a blizzard) and then I got sick, and my father in law passed away... when the going gets tough, the tough get going... but I dropped the ball.

So here I am again. Again, starting over.

My back has been worse than ever. I had shots into the nerves, that were supposed to kill them, thus blocking the pain signal to my brain. They didn't die. They just got angry. It made things worse. To the point where I could not be on my feet for even an hour and I was in such pain... hard to stand to do dishes. Forget about sweeping floors... Just not a fun place to be.

Yesterday I had new shots, steroid shots again, that went right down into the facet joint of my back, between L5 and SI, on both sides. I woke up with no back pain this morning!! Wow!! I am a little sore, but I can deal with it. Now if we could just figure out a permanent solution, I'd be eccstatic!! :)

As always, I do not want to give up. I need to lose the weight, because I KNOW it would help the back issues. Tomorrow is my birthday, so this is my present to myself: Onward I go...... back on the road, and moving forward.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Strengthen me, Lord. Amen!

Toot Toot!!

2010-10-25T21:25:00.002-05:00

I am going to toot my own horn!! I have gone two months and pretty much stayed on plan. That is a new record for me!! It's been a long time since I have been consistently successful at this! A long long time.
I am fitting into my clothes again... the ones I haven't worn for almost a year... I have more energy.. I have more hope, and I have more belief in myself that I am really going to do it this time! more every day.
I had to say goodbye to a friend this last week. Her funeral was yesterday. It was hard. And I didn't have an on-plan day. I put food on my plate, and sat and fellowshipped with my friends. I had desert, like everyone else. I made that choice. But today I am back on plan.
I think life will always happen. And we are human. But we make the choice to to either be in control, or let the food and emotions control us.
There is a difference between letting go and eating whatever.. and making a choice... a decision, if you will.. to allow yourself that little slip. Then it's not a slip at all. because you are in control. You know what you have to do the next day, or the next meal... and you do it.
Does this make any sense? This is so different than the way I've been living these last years. This is a whole different mindset that's moving in... and I have to say, I like it.
My scale is still moving down, and that makes me so happy. I am in control. I am doing it. I'm gonna make it. :)
I'm not just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, baby... I"m OUTTA the tunnel! and I plan to stay the course this time! :)
I have been sleeping with the cpap machine for a week now, and it has made such a difference!! I'm not crazy about the mask... it's not pretty.. and it's not very comfortable either.. but it is making such a difference in how I feel!! I am amazed.
well, that is my news for now. So.... Till next time..............

No longer wishful thinking....

2010-09-28T22:46:00.002-05:00

I'm really doing it!! I'm still on track, after a month! Can you believe it?!!
I have put myself and my health on the front burner, and things are being taken care of at last!
Today I went to see my weightloss doctor. He is pleased with my progress. He's putting me on some vitamins.. I can't remember the name right now... it's a protein. He says it will help give me energy, since I'm on such a low caloric intake right now, and will also help my metabolism. And the dietician is having me take vitamin D. Very interesting things about vitamin D. Do some research!! Vitamin D is very important, and we here in the Midwest don't get NEAR enough. Not even in the summer.
I heard from the sleep center today. I have to go back on October 12th to sleep with a CPAP machine. They said I quit breathing 7 times in an hour, and also woke up 5 times from the snoring. My oxygen dropped down to 80%, which is not a good thing. I'm glad it's being taken care of. Maybe if I can get a good night's sleep, I will feel much better.
And last, but not least, I have had the first series of test shots for my back, called a Medial Branch Block. It numbs the nerve going to my Facet and SI joints. It did significantly help the pain. I was actually able to do some normal things! yay! Of course, it was short-lived. Little more than novacain. I go back for another series of test shots on Friday. And then wait for the insurance company to give the okay for the Medial Branch Neurotomy, which is basically where they kill that nerve, thus cutting off the pain signal to the brain. It can last up to a year before the nerve regenerates. Ah... pain free for a year? I could live with that! :)
So, that is the news of me. :) Things being taken care of. ME being taken care of. I have a dear friend who has told me I care about everyone else, but not me. Well, now I'm caring for me.
and it feels good. I am getting stronger.
I am doing this.
I'm down 16 pounds. :)
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Thank you, Lord, for helping me be strong. :)

hopeful...

2010-09-15T10:22:00.004-05:00

Here I am again... another two month lapse...
BUT much has changed. I'm heading into week three of a doctor monitored weightloss plan. It's been an interesting first couple weeks. The first week was pretty hard. Very restrictive. But I'm doing it.
I've had success.. and it feels sooo good!! I'm down 14 pounds, from my all-time high of 222. I was out of control right up to the time I went to my first meeting with the dietician! Crazy, right?
This has been a good journey of self discipline so far. It feels good to have some progress to show for my efforts. It feels good to be in control. It feels good to be losing pounds again, for a change!!
Every two weeks, I go to a meeting wtih the dietician; every two weeks I go to a group class (sometimes it'll be about the food, sometimes it'll be about our heads...) and every month I will meet with the Dr to talk about my progress.
I think this is gonna do it for me. By the time I am done with this program, I think I can go back to the Food Mover and be just fine again.
My health scares are over, and all is well.
Well, except for my back, but we're working on that also.
I'm hopeful again. It's been awhile.
It feels nice.

Dr visit

2010-07-26T19:20:00.002-05:00

I went to my dr for a physical. It's been two years, so I figured it was time! My numbers are not so good. First of all, my weight was at 215. I think that is an all-time high for me. My cholesterol flagged high. and my blood sugar flagged high. I dont' need medication yet, but I need to do something about my weight. Now!
I had to have a sonogram done last week, because he heard something in my carotid artery on the left side, so I will get the results of that later this week. I am praying that nothing drastic needs to be done! And I am also scheduled for a consultation regarding sleep apnea. That's not till October. It takes forever to get an appointment for that!! Too many things are going wrong. My back, my feet... and now all this... it has to stop.
So today I went to the hospital in Fargo to talk to them about weight loss. I was considering surgery. But I will at the very least, be enrolled in a six-month, dr-monitored weightloss program. (which is what my insurance requires) I'll meet with a dietician and personal trainer type person to get me started. If that jumpstarts my wieght loss and gets me headed in the right direction, then I won't do surgery. But I just want to feel normal again. and comfortable again. and hopeful again.
That's it for now..... see ya next time.

I can't believe the year is half over...

2010-07-13T17:06:00.006-05:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted on this blog. Too long. I actually forgot all about it...
It's been too long since I've made progress... too long since I've taken steps forward. Too long since I've done anything really serious about my weight.
I am a breath away from my all-time highest weight.
Monday the scale said 210. Listen to this:
I read a story about a king whose brother tried to assassinate him. As punishment, the king put his brother in a room with the window facing the ocean. It was a normal size room, with a normal size door. But they must have built the room around the guy, because he wasn't normal sized. He was very overweight. All he had to do to be free, was lose enough weight to fit through the door. The king had fine food delivered to him every day. He could overcome his addiction and walk out the door, or he could die in that room. The way the story went, he died in that room, just as the king knew he would.
I got teary eyed when I read this little story. I identify with the brother. I feel like I will never get out of this room.... I am so stuck.
But I don't want to be... I don't want to be!
I have an eating problem. Maybe truly finally admitting that could be a first step? Or at least a step forward. I need some steps forward.
I have an appointment with my doctor next week. I am going to talk to him about my weight. Maybe he can help me, somehow, to get well.
And so, I begin again.

HELLO 2010!!!

2010-01-04T23:08:00.007-06:00

Wow... another year gone already! I can't believe how fast the years go by anymore.. is it an age thing? I've yet to find someone who can explain this phenomenon to me... Time is like a runaway train that just goes faster and faster and faster...

So.. not too much damage over the holidays. I tried to keep my focus on the reason for the season... and on my family and friends. Of course, there were goodies here and there that I failed to resist... and I gained a few pounds back. But I've already lost a couple again. I did my damage control before the New Year even. Which is a step forward for me. I'm not quite under 200, but very close.

I'm thinking I should order another FoodMover, since I gave mine to someone else to use. Why do I do that? But hopefully, she is getting something out of it.. I need to start using some more structured discipline with myself again.

I got out my Wii game today, with the Personal Trainer, and worked up a sweat for 20 minutes. I know, that's not very long, but it's better than nothing, certainly.
Tomorrow I'm gonna put in a longer dvd and have a real workout.
It won't be in the morning... it takes me 30 to 60 minutes before I can move without pain. I think I need to turn my matress again or something. My back has been giving me a lot of trouble lately. And my feet... always my feet... but I won't go there.
I don't want to complain. I'm so glad to just be alive!! Truly! I view every day that I wake up a blessing. There's so much to be thankful for!! Life!! Family and friends!!

There are those who are supportive, and those who are not supportive anymore. One in particular that hurts, but I just have to be thankful for the help they gave me, and move on. Sometimes I need to be my own cheerleader, and that's okay too. I'm moving forward. Forward is a good thing.

Moving forward feels really good, after being at a standstill for so long. I was starting to get a little lazy again over the holidays... but then there were pictures taken... oh... the pictures don't lie. The pictures show me someone I still don't recognize. Or don't want to recognize... The pictures are what make me want to not stand still any longer!! No more!! Have you ever done that? Looked at a picture, or caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wondered, "who?".... "How?".... "Why?"............

So I say, Hello New Year! I'm ready for you! It's time to renew my energy. It's time to say goodbye to old things, and press on! I'm going for it! Stay tuned...

Going well...

2009-11-09T23:18:00.003-06:00

Well pooh! I just typed this whole big thing, and it disappeared. Don't you hate it when that happens?
I had a good week. I exercised at least four times last week, and ate clean. I haven't had a coke for over a week. I think I'm done with them, which is a good thing. Had a science teacher come through my line at the grocery store a couple weeks ago, and he was purchasing every day things to use in his lab... one was coke, for the acid. Hmmmmmm.... made me think.
So my total lost for last week............drumroll......................
I lost four and a half pounds. Not a bad start at all. I'm quite pleased with myself. (^_^) Eating well and exercising does pay off.
My achilles flared up again.. I need to find a way to compensate for that. I do not want to quit exercising. That is going to seal the deal for me. Muscle burns fat, after all...
I sort of took the day off today tho.. I didn't eat crazy or anything like that. but I didn't exercise. I watched a movie with Roger.
Speaking of watching movies.. I watched one with Heather and Callie the other night.... have you seen "The Secret Life Of Bees"? Oh my goodness... GOOD movie!!! Grab some kleenex if you intend to watch it tho... Just sayin'....
So my plan for this week is to keep on eating good food, and keep on moving my body. Cuz it seems to be working pretty well. (^_^)
Till next week...................

New Beginnngs

2009-11-04T17:30:00.003-06:00

Wow! Here it is November already. Lots of things have happened since the last time I blogged... Things that hurt, and things that caused me to stumble in my weightloss journey. Not that I needed much of an excuse... I wasn't doing that great in the first place. The highest weight I've seen on the scale is 210, verified by the doctor's scale.
I had my good friend, Michelle, take pictures for me last weekend. I was appalled when I saw them. This person is NOT the person I see in my mind! I may share those pictures later, when I have taken new ones and can see a marked difference. And that's all I'm gonna say about that...
The week has been going well. I've exercised only three times tho, since Saturday... and I really need to work on being more focused on that.
I need to make it a priority.
Eating has been pretty in-control. Which is amazing to me. I'm happy with how this is going... I'm doing well for a change, and it feels good.
I've been drinking a ton of water! Cut waaaaay back on diet coke.. I've only had one this week. I am still drinking my decaf coffee... but I've added at least 8 eight-oz glasses of water daily. Trips to the bathroom are starting to settle down now. ;-)
Tomorrow I'm getting on the scale for a sneak peak. But Sunday morning will be my official weigh day. (last time I looked, I was down 4 pounds)
I'm feeling good about this. I'm feeling strong. And I'm feeling determined.
See ya next time..........

Summertime

2009-07-07T10:55:00.002-05:00

It is finally Summer here in Minnesota. I'm loving the warm weather!
Well, not much has changed since last time I blogged.
I am struggling. Big time. I had at least one day in the last week where I just felt like quitting. I'm so so tired of this battle with my weight. I wish we didn't need food to survive. I would just go cold turkey, like I did with smoking. But I can't. And I really love food, that's my biggest problem.
Richard (S) would say I love food more than I love myself.
That's a really sad thought! I wonder if it could be true...
I don't want to live my life feeling discouraged!
Today I will try to turn the page.

Endoscopy postponed

2009-06-23T10:05:00.002-05:00

wow.. I did't realize it had been so long since I blogged here...
Today I was supposed to go have my endoscopy done, but they decided to put it off till July 9th. He wants me to be off my stomach meds for two weeks, so he gets a good look without anything being masked by medications... so yahoo. I get to wait some more.
My weight is about the same. well, ok. Let me be truthful here.. cuz that's what this is about. The scale this moning says 200. I"ve actually gained. This is so stupid!!!! I'm very angry with myself. VERY angry.
For all the talk talk talk about starting over, I really haven't yet.
Oh, I've cut out the caffeine.. and drinking water again... but other than that, I haven't been real diligent about anything.
I know I'm real sick of being in pain. My feet hurt all the time. It just takes everything right out of you....
I need to find my optimistic self again.
Cuz right now,this very moment, I don't feel very good about myself.
till next time................................

First Test Done

2009-06-11T18:18:00.003-05:00

Today I had the stress test done.
That was interesting... they injected some stuff in me, then took a scan that lasted about ten minutes. Ten minutes with my arms above my head. Breathe normally and don't move!
Then I was wired up and put on a treadmill. That part didn't last too long, thank goodness! Then I was sent down for another scan which lasted alittle bit longer than the first one.
So, it appears my heart is ok so far.. the radiologist has to look at it too, and the cardiologist. But what they did today, she said everything looked nomal. They'll send the results to my doctor by Thursday next week.
On the 23rd I go back for an upper endoscopy test to make sure that my esophogus hasn't been damaged from stomach acid... For that one I'll have to find someone to drive me, cuz I'll be sedated. They said it takes about three hours all told. They will run a scope down my throat so they can take a look at everything up close & personal.
So, it looks like GERD. At least that is what they gave me info sheets on. Gastroesophageal Reflux Desease.
Which I am told can cause esophageal cancer if it goes untreated. My sister just had surgery for this in the recent past. She actually had some precancer cells, and so they surgically fixed the problem. (because, she said, none of the following things helped her at all...)
The things the paper say you can do:
1. Raise the head of your bead with wooden blocks or bricks. (using extra pillows is NOT a good substitute)
2. Avoid foods if they cause symptoms. Triggers can be spicy or fatty foods, tomato and citris juices, chocolate (=:-P), mints, coffee, tea, colas and alcohol.
3. Do not lie down for two hours after eating.
4. stop smoking
5. limit coffee to 2 cups a day.
6. Avoid tight clothing. tight belts or pants, or girdles can increase the pressure on the stomach
7. Antacids may be taken at bedtime and 30-60 minutes after eating.
8. Eat smaller meals. (dont' get overfull)
9. Lose weight.
And he said it's not something that goes away. It's a chronic condition that can be treated with medication. or there is a surgical option (probably what my sister had done), but I'm not even considering that at this point.
For as careful as I've been eating this week, I've only lost a pound. =:-/
I know I need to add exercise to this equation. Now that I know it's not my heart, I'll feel better about that. :)
Okay.......... that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it. :)
Till next time.......................

Rise and Shine !!!!!

2009-06-09T12:41:00.003-05:00

Can we say "Wake-up Call"?

Went to Fargo to go shopping Saturday with my best friend, Rosa. We had just gone into Sam'sClub and hadn't even really got started yet, and I started having really bad chest pains. It started in my back, like in the middle, between my shoulder blades... then that sort of went away, then it hit me in the chest and the back. Very very painful. It brought tears to my eyes. A good big 10 on the pain scale.
Suddenly a nurse appeared out of nowhere, and she wanted to call an ambulance. No thank you. We discussed going home. But this nurse asked where home was, and then she said "No. Do NOT go back to Perham. Go to a hospital NOW." So we did.
They hooked me up to an ekg & oxygen, and drew blood. I got nitroglicerin spray in my mouth. (Man, that stuff gives you a headache!!) Wired me up to a heart monitor.
Ekg was fine. blood tests were fine. They did a blood test that checked for clots, and that was fine. My heart is ok, it seems.
They kept me overnight, because it is standard procedure to do three sets of ensyme tests (the blood test). They also did a cholesterol test.
Anyway, long story short (or shorter), it was probably caused by acid reflux. She says when stomach acid goes up into your espophogus, the esophogas will try to clamp shut and spasm, and that will cause the same kind of pain as a heart attack.
She put me on cholesterol meds, and another for acid reflux. Bottom line is, I HAVE to lose weight. There are no more excuses. No more procrastination. No more letting myself get side-tracked.

This was very very scary for me. Roger was in Canada on a fishing trip. What if it had been a heart attack! What if I had died! What a terrible thing for my husband to come home to!! I do not want to do that to him. Not to mention, I don't want to die just yet!!!!

I have to go back to the hospital on Thursday and have an upper GI done, and a stress test. It's in Fargo, ND.-- bigger hospital, so I'll see the Dr the same day and have the results. It will be a loooong day. I have to be there by 6:45am. (70 miles away) and I'll see the doc at 3pm.

If I were reading this, I might think, 'that would never happen to me'.. but guess what. It could. It did.

This really scared me. I'm ready to change not just my eating and lifestyle, but my thinking too. My attitude. My laziness.

I'm not ready to die.

June Tune

2009-06-02T16:14:00.003-05:00

Here in Minnesota, at least in my neck of the woods, we get these big huge June bugs. I dont' know that they're good for anything except annoying us humans... they are attracted to the light at night, and they will fly around and just smack right into you. Their bodies are hard like a shell sort of, and they hit hard...
This morning when I stepped on the scale, that kind of hit hard.... I'm so close to 200 again, it's not even funny. 199. Exactly.
Well, I'm starting a summer challenge, and today is day one for me.
I went to the PACC (Perham Area Community Center) and spent some time on a recumbent bike. (easier on my achilles) and I also did walk the track for 20 minutes. That is something, anyway, and better than nothing for sure!

My plan for June:
1. Do SOMEthing every day. Walk, do a tape, SOMEthing. EVERY day. NO excuses.
2. NO more snacking at night. I'll drink water if I get that urge...

I'm getting out my foodmover and dusting it off. I thought I had lost all my calorie cards for it, but I've found them now. So I'm setting it up tonight, and tomorrow I will follow it.
I have, in the last months, contemplated all these other diets.. low carb, appetite suppresants, etc. and the dumb thing is, I have the most healthy plan right at my fingertips. My foodmover.
My big problem is this: I've been lazy. Period. L-A-Z-Y.
It's not that I don't want to lose the weight. Richard S has said that to me before. I dont' really want to lose the weight. Or that I don't love myself.
Well, I DO want to lose the weight, I really do. And I do love myself.
My problem is that I want to lose the weight, but I don't want to have to work at it. Lazy. There. That's honest.
Do you know, when I was young, like in my early 20s, I did not have a weight problem. I could eat whatever I wanted, and as much as I wanted, and I didn't gain weight. My metabolism was amazing!
And so, when the time came that I did gain weight, it was hard for me, because I wasn't used to having to watch what I ate or work at losing weight. Nice excuse, huh?
Doesn't cut it tho. It's high time I get off my butt and work at it.
Either really work at losing the weight, or never ever complain about it again. Because if I'm not willing to do what it takes, then I have no right to say a word about it. To anyone.
Anyway, today is June 2nd. I'm going to do those two things. Every day move my body in some way, be it walking or whatever, and knock out the night time snacking.
I quit the prednisone. It's not worth it to be so out of control....
I'm thinking if I drop some of this weight, it will make a big difference...
Ok. That's it for now... see ya next time. :)

Bumps in the road

2009-05-29T11:24:00.004-05:00

Wow. Life has a way of just knocking us down sometimes.
And I know it's partly me, because I could be doing more..even from a chair. And SHOULD be.
I'm so discouraged by this whole achilles/prednisone thing.. I'm really sick of taking them, and they really dont' seem to be doing that much for me, except making my appetite ginormous!! I have gained too much weight in the time I've been taking them, and it hardly seems worth it to me.
I was doing so well, and feeling so positive before this.
So maybe I need to visit my doctor again, and find out what else can be done. I just can't live with what this prednisone is doing to me. And gaining weight is definitely not helping matters either.. as far as the achilles tendon goes. (I'm sure)

So I'm going to sit down this weekend and regroup; write out some specific goals for June, and a food plan (menus and grocery shopping lists), and an exercise plan. Even if I am working out from a chair, I NEEED to work out. Period. That is the only thing that's going to change this.

Well, this blog is all about my ups and downs, isn't it. This was me being real about the downs.
I am NOT gonna roll over, play dead, and quit!!!
See ya next time...............

Oh, I am gonna do this!!!!

2009-05-15T00:47:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling very good tonite! It was a good day.
Eating was pretty much on track. I drank alot of water, didn't give in to temptations... And exercise was a triumph! I thought I would put in the Boogie dvd and see how many songs I could make it through this time... I could only work through a few songs the last time I tried. And then yesterday my achilles hurt from Tuesday's workout, so I was gonna do it from a chair tonight. But I couldn't stay in the chair. I just couldn't. So I'll eat tylenol tomorrow....
I didn't just *make it* through the whole dvd, I thoroughly enjoyed it!! (^_^) It was nice workin' out with familiar faces from Slimmons, and from cruises.
Whoohoooo!!! I DID THE WHOLE THING!!!!! I'm stoked!! This is only the beginning. I'm gonna do it this time!!!
Just watch me!!! (^_^)

Surprise, surprise!

2009-05-12T21:21:00.004-05:00

Well, I went and had my first workout with my new buddy. :) We had fun! We put in the '60s Blast Off' dvd. Now, I know that is a shorter one, but I had no idea how much of even that, I'd be able to do. It's been a long time. (I didn't know till afterwards, but she didnt' know how much she'd be able to do either....)
The time went by very fast, and before we knew it, it was done! We made it! NO problem! ;-) Okay... well, my heartrate got alittle bit high at one point, but I made it through the whole thing and did not stop.
It was such a good good feeling. A little more hopeful.
By the end, my achilles was hurting... but I dont' think I overdid it... I guess the morning will tell, when I come down the stairs... I am still on the prednisone for that. Another 30 days on a low 5mg dose. He didn't say not to work it.. so unless it really really starts hurting again, I will still do the workouts.
Emily and I made a deal to keep working out on our own during the week, and then next Tuesday, we'll put in a longer dvd. One of the hour workouts. That is our goal for next week.
If you don't have a workout buddy... look for one. Because I can tell you, when you're workin' out with someone else, you push a little harder, go a little further, reach a little higher... and it was definitely more fun!!
After that, we spent an hour just talking and getting to know each other better. It was a nice afternoon.
I'm looking forward now to Thursday. :)
So................. I did not eat out today, even tho I wanted to.... I cooked. I plan to do more of that. Much more.

Supper was ocean perch cut up and sauted with green onion & portabella mushrooms, and mixed with brown rice. I added onion flakes and a sprinkle of curry powder. It turned out pretty darn good. I was impressed. ;-) I boiled up some corn on the cob, and steamed some green beans to go with it. I know, probably too much starch. I should have said no to the corn, but I've been so hungry for it....
I will learn again to say 'no'.
All in all, it was a pretty good day. :) Drank a ton of water...
I feel good. I have taken positive steps. Steps forward.
Tomorrow I will get up early and do my workout before work. Maybe a different Blast Off.

Tomorrow at work will be a new challenge. Many many temptations. For a long time, I was giving in to them. Can we say, chocolate? There will be many opportunities to say no. I think...... I think I can. One day at a time, right?
Yeah.....

Happy Day After Mother's Day!

2009-05-11T23:03:00.005-05:00

What a busy weekend I had!
I felt like I was going non-stop all weekend! Although I did have some nice relaxing time Sunday at a friends' house.
Did some grocery shopping on Friday and again today, to try to get some healthier choices in my house.
Another interesting thing happened today! I met someone (actually met her 'again') today at work. To make a long story short, I have a workout buddy. Something I've never had, except via the internet. We have a date tomorrow to work out in the afternoon. I'm really looking forward to it!! I have no idea how much I'll be able to do... I'm sooo out of shape! It'll be fun tho.
I know we'll be able to get together at least a couple times a week for sure. Maybe more.
Please God, let this be the turning point for me.
I know I can't go on gaining the way I have this year. I just can't.
I'm gonna be really honest here...
It's been a long long long time since I looked at myself in a mirror. I mean, really looked. Uncovered myself and looked.
Are you following me? Well, yesterday I looked. It's hard to stand in denial when you're standin' in your underwear.
I was too stunned to even cry. That's how I felt. All I could do was say "Oh.... Mary..... what have you done..." It made me feel very sad, my full-body reflection in the mirror...
I know that I know that I know... if I dont' do something to alter my course, this fat will kill me.
My bad habits have become very deeply engrained. So I know this will take some hard work. And a little prayer won't hurt either.
I'm going to go for small goals. Baby steps.
It's gonna take some time, but I will get my health back!
One day at a time.
I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.....

I think Summer is here...

2009-05-06T16:37:00.004-05:00

The weather's been so much nicer! Great walking weather! Tomorrow I'm gonna brave the streets and take my Baby out for a walk... (she's my Lahsa Ahpso)
I've been on predisone for a couple weeks now for my infected achilles tendon. It is doing terrible terible things to my appetite. Frightening things! But it is helping the tendon to heal... it doesn't hurt so bad now. I can actually walk normal again, most of the time.
So now that it is helping, I have to be on the prednisone for another month, on a low dose.
I am going to have to dig way down deep to find the strength and perserverence to start a healthy eating regime, in spite of the pills. I need to!!
Tomorrow is my day off work, so in the morning I'm going to sit down and make out a plan for the week, and a shopping list to match. Then I'll hit the grocery store.
That has been my biggest problem for a long long time, is that I have not been planning anything. And I know that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
I need to get my buttt in action, and begin again. Truly. Not just talk about it. Talk is cheap. I am starting to have negative feelings about myself again, and I canNOT let that happen. It took me too many years to forgive myself and love myself.
I know that I can do this. I know how. So it's just a matter of doing it, isn't it.
You're welcome to come along for the ride, if you wish. I'll do my best to post here regularly.
the scale this week was at 196.6. I did not like seeing that at all. Not at all.
so I need to get to work.
This is it for today.
Tomorrow I will PLAN and set some GOALS.

Again again again....

2009-05-02T00:00:00.004-05:00

Will I ever get past the ‘begin again’ stage? Every part of my life is good… except this weight issue. Why is that?
And this is a heck of a time for me to try to start again… my doctor has me on prednisone for a month. Infected Achilles tendon. (So being on my feet to exercise isn’t exactly an option right now either)
But I know I have to do something different. I have to get control of the food. Especially now with the steroid thing going… ugh.
That in itself will be a miracle. But wait! I am a believer in miracles!
So here I go again…….
It’s a new month. But I’m gonna set a couple of goals for just this coming week….. to start. Water every day. At least 64 ounces. At least three times I’m gonna do a workout, even if it has to be from a chair. And I’m gonna re-introduce VEGGIES to my diet!!
I can do this.
Today I ate Chinese. And the scale says 192.
(What have I done to myself!)
Again.
It’s time for changes.

March already!

2009-03-02T06:22:00.004-06:00

Here we are into March already!
Well, let's see... I was sick for a week or so.. bad cold. I even had to get out my nebulizer. Thank God, I'm feeling so much better now! Almost normal againL! :)
(are any of us really normal? lol)
My February results are: I lost 4 pounds. I was at 189. (yes, I had gained again) Now I'm at 185. All I did was cut out the snacking, and drink more water. That alone made a big difference.
Now my goal for this month is to get more veggies & fruits in, and to start exercising!
185 is not acceptable to me.
I know I can do this. We can do anything we really want to do, right? All it takes is determination and perseverence.
I don't want to be fat forever. I really don't.
So I'm gonna have to just buck up and do what I need to do... That's a saying. Like, 'cowboy up'. Ya know? Put my big girl panties on, and just DO it.
Here's to a great month..... (^_^)

Here we go again.

2009-02-17T11:02:00.003-06:00

Wow. I didn't even realize how long it was since I posted here! That's sad, considering the title of this blog...
I have started over. My weight this morning was 187. I don't know what it was on Monday.... who knows, I may have lost a pound or so already. I haven't been very good about stepping on the scale. That will change...
I haven't been very good about anything, in regards to taking care of myself.
A very wise friend told me he didn't think I was afraid of failure. He thought I was afraid of making a real commitment. I have thought and thought about that.
And I realize he may be right. I have been committed to my husband. I have been commited to my kids (Heather, grandkids, Jonathan). I've been commited to my church. I've even been commited to taking care of my dog and bird. But I haven't been commited to taking care of me and my health.
I am trying to turn over a new leaf, so to speak, and changing that about me.
My foodmover is out again. I've been guzzling water like it's goin' out of style...
something's gotta give.
I'll try to be better about coming here for my accountability. I don't think I'm gonna blog every morsel I eat, but I will blog about how I'm doing, and what I feel. I think that will help.
So............... till next time. :)

Another "Day One".....

2008-07-10T21:15:00.005-05:00

Here I am at the notorious "Day One".
The day went pretty well, I think. I've had my eight 8-oz glasses of water for the day, and am drinking even more this evening.
I was left at the end of this day with two fat windows still open, a fruit and 2 veggies on my foodmover. I just got too full, and couldn't finish everything.
I think I need to plan better... with snacks in between. (which is much easier when I'm home.)
When I am working, it's impossible to think about snacks... depending on how long my shift is, we get one or two 14 minute breaks.
It seems like when I am home, I can control the food better, but don't drink enough water. When I am at work, I have trouble eating enough, but the water isn't a problem. One of the problems with work, is we have a limited time for break, and I am NOT a fast eater. It's been too easy in the past to just grab something "quick", and you know what that means... most likely not healthy.
Today I worked six hours, so only one break. I had a Healthy Choice meal which was 1 starch, 1 veggie, and 1 protein. I know I can do better than that. I don't want to lean on prepared meals.
By the time I got home, it was suppertime.
Supper tonight was broiled walleye. Mmmmm! It was soooo good!! :)
Had steamed brocolli, carrots, & cauliflower, and part of a baked potato. I did have a dab of sour cream, and counted that as a fat.

This weekend will be a challenge, and I'm not sure I can stick with blast off... I'll try. We will be in Duluth at my brother's house. I'm going to buy as much of my own food as possible. (fruits, salads, veggies)
Sunday night, I'll post about how it went... I'll be taking my foodmover with me.

Gotta go work out!!

Till next time..........................

Here I go........

2008-07-09T11:44:00.009-05:00

Well, I'm going to do this. I have to be truly accountable to someone. I figure in writing this, I'll be accountable at least to myself.

This is about my weightloss journey. It's been a long one. Too long. I've been up and down in weight for the past 15 years. It's hard for me to see that number. That's a long time to struggle with something that I should have had control over long ago.

I've been to my goal weight twice in those years, come very very close to giving up on it all, and once again I am at a point where I'm ready to fight.

My highest weight was last year (I think) when I reached 212. Last yearly checkup I got a letter from my doctor telling me that my cholesterol levels were up, and that I needed to watch what I eat and lower my weight.

I've now lost 32 pounds, again with ups and downs. It's a cycle I MUST break, if I am to reach my goal of 145-150.

I'm a part of some great support groups.... foodmoverfriends, ladybugchallengers, the Dreamteam, richardsimmons.com. It is too easy for me to be silent if I'm not doing so well. My plan is to come here every day and blog, no matter how the day went. Perhaps I will see a pattern, and come to understand myself better, and be able to change what's not right. This will be my journal. Don't worry, I won't get too personal here. ;-) Just thought I'd try something different.

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.... right?

Welcome to my world.